Sigh

I try to be patient and calm and it just doesn't work for me. I get riled up 0 to 60in 5 seconds. I do not have the discipline to keep calm.

I did yoga for 10 years and regularly meditated up until a year ago. None of it worked.

I recently purchased the following to hang in my new home:




I decided it was a good mantra for me. I need to internalize it and be a walking example but all of this flew out the fucking window this morning.

I've had this 'me against the world' mentality since I was old enough to speak...maybe even before, ask my mom. So this whole selling of my wonderful Denver cottage has felt a lot like this. The woman wanting to buy is my enemy and she shouldn't be but I project it anyway. It deserves to be said: I'm a little bit crazy.

I've made real estate personal. This woman is my enemy because she had the balls to try to low ball me...but we did the same thing when we made an offer on the house we're trying to buy. However, all of my feelings intensified this morning when the inspection report came back and things that shouldn't be on it were and they are the fault of the flipper and not the buyer being a picky bitch.

The sewer line is busted. The sewer line that was replaced when the builder flipped the house. The person who installed it didn't compact the soil beneath the pipe so it cracked. Nice. My real estate agent told me it could cost up to $12,000. That's all it took. I was at 60. When I get angry I cry. When I get angry I slam doors and throw things. What I learned today is that I am 4.

Everyone told me not to worry, not to stress, not to think about it until I got an estimate. All I really wanted was someone to say "You're right, that sucks ass." So I got more pissed off.

So after a full day of being miserable by myself I got the call saying that the fix shouldn't be more than $1,000. Still a lot of money since there are a billion other things she wants fixed but definitely not $12,000. So I feel better, but it looks like I have a date with small claims court.

So I'll still hang my new poster, but I think I'm going to add this one too because it seems more practical for me:




FYI the Keep Calm and Carry On posters were made by the British, to pass out in case the Nazi's occupied England. I'm battle ready.

Nostalgia

It's been fun going back and reading some of the stuff I wrote 4, 5, 6 years ago. I was so full of piss and vinegar. Now I'm just old and angry and far too tired to muster the strength to do anything but bitch.

I suppose this is where my desire for self re-discovery started. I used to be passionate! I used to be active! I used to be...

I've decided that some of what I do for a living is the culprit, and some it is just age. I think I bought into some of the hype I used to spew: DON'T TRUST ANYONE OVER 30!

Well, I'm over thirty now so do I not trust myself anymore? Affirmative

It's pretty sad when you get to a point in your life when you don't trust yourself. I was my own advocate for 15 years and was so good at it I turned it into a profession and forgot who the number 1 person was in my life. Me.

Reading things that I wrote in the past makes me want to be friends with myself. That girl is hilarious. She is a spit-fire. She seems smart.

I don't feel any of those things right now. Perhaps this is why I'm crushing on my former self right now. I want to know her. I want to spend all night talking in the dark with her. I want to have an illicit affair with my former self because from where I stand, she was fucking amazing.

Identity

For so long I clung to a certain belief about myself. Then something happened and I changed the perspective a little and I've found myself in an interesting place. A place I don't understand. A place that I'm not all that comfortable living in, but a place that I find myself.


For one, I'm married.
*I swore to the Gods that I would be single for my entire life. I couldn't imagine participating in a convention I found to be so stifling. When Gloria Steinem got married I thought "What the FUCK?"

Number two, I'm soon moving the 'burbs
*Not the real 'burbs, but it ain't Denver, and that sticks in my craw. I never thought I'd see the day that I would live outside the city limits of Denver. It's comfortable, and I can walk anywhere I want (especially when I'm not sober enough to drive.) Every place I like to go is in the city. All my favorite places to eat, my favorite record stores, my favorite book store... the list is endless.

So really, when is the time machine gonna get built?! Screw health care, immigration reform, the deficit, I need a time machine. I need to go back to 25 and prepare myself! I had no idea what it meant to grow up! No one told me what it would look like. I thought I would be young, carefree, and unpinned forever. Time is a bully that is approaching me like a hammer and I'm not comfortable.

I guess what I'm saying is: I need to buy a sports car and other frilly toys because I have officially started my mid-life crisis.

Beginning again...

I used to blog. A lot. Anonymously. Sometimes I would cross post on MySpace, but that place has been dead years now, right?

Alas, there is something so wonderful about purging thoughts and ideas that circle around in the head until it has a place to rest. Perhaps that's why so many people blog. Most blogs I subscribe to are family blogs, places friends keep friends up to date on babies, marriages, deaths, lives...

I always used my blog as a way to show how awesome I am. Lies, lies, lies. I really just enjoyed putting my thoughts into the universe, getting feedback, and reintegrating. It was nice to engage in witty banter with people I didn't know and who didn't know me.

I learned that I am smart and there are smarter people than me.
I learned to appreciate exactly what made me unique and I got to know some really fantastic people that I will never meet in real life- and maybe that's a gift.
The jury is still out on that. There are some web-friends that I would love to know and have over for bbqs and beers.

Beer...I love beer.

So, I've reached a threshold in my life. A jumping off of sorts. Maybe a new beginning. With this comes doubts, reservations, a longing for times past. And so, I blog again. A new blog, for new times? Perhaps, but if I'm honest I tried every possible password and could not log in to the old blog. Long forgotten e-mail address and a password I can't retrieve= new blog.